Monday, 4 November 2013

Life update

Hi November! This year is seriously going so fast but is probably the best of my life. I'm a bit worried because every year seems to be better and better for me, and there's going to come a stage when I'm like oh well last year was better. And I don't want that time to come. Maybe it's showed in my writing, maybe it hasn't, but I've been a bit glum lately. Things have picked up though, as least today they have. I feel good about life - which is the way I've felt for my whole life, bar this past month or so. So that's good. 

My best friend has a page where she asks people to send her submissions anonymously which she'll use for a school project; I think she'll analyse them and the effect on people that sharing their stories and troubles has. If you want to take part (it's a bit of an experiment, I think), message me and I'll send you the link. She and I were both feeling pretty down for different reasons a while ago, so we each wrote it all down to submit for her project. I think she only published them a couple of days ago, but I got to read hers when she did and ours were surprisingly similar. It almost looks like they're written by the same person. Mine went like this:

"If there’s one word to describe how I feel, it’s stupid. Or shit. Either of those. I’m an upbeat kind of girl usually, so this is all a bit alien to me. I don’t really know what’s going on but I’m pretty sure it’s a case of “you always want what you can’t have”. Right now, I’m 99% sure it’s an impossibility.

I had it and I threw it away. I hope someone sees this and understands and I’m kind of hoping they’ll know it was me. Someone, anyone. I feel like I’m drowning. Maybe I’ve been in the ocean for a long time but I’ve managed to keep my head above the water. Lately though, I’ve been starting to slip under.

I’ve never really understood depression but now, well, now I think I do. You slip further and further into the water and eventually you’re so far down that no one can pull you out. Perhaps it gets to a stage where you don’t want to be rescued. I don’t want that to happen and I’m determined not to let it.

I’m not going to cry either. Some people say tears are a sign of strength, or show that you’ve been strong for too long, but I don’t think so. For me, it’s going to show I’ve cracked. And I’m not going to crack. Because I’m strong and I’m not done yet."

When I read mine back, I was a bit worried. Because I sound horribly sad. I'm not. I know how I'm feeling and it's not quite that bad. But there's something in Jay Asher's Thirteen Reasons Why where the character discusses analysing your own poetry or writing and you'll get more from it than if you merely wrote down your feelings. I've tried to analyse it and all I'm getting is depression. I wrote it when I was feeling pretty sad but it's definitely not how I feel now. I think it's helped me to snap out of whatever it was that was getting at me. I'm happy.

Here's a photo of me and said best friend loving life, posing. (I'll make it clear again that we are most definitely posing!)

Song of the day:


  1. What a lovely blog!


  2. ok ok woah hold up. i'd just like to say that london grammar is amazing and melancholic. and also this post was really interesting and unlike anything i have ever read before (please take this as a good thing)
    keep up the good work,
    lotus m.
    blog | tumblr

  3. Hey!
    Thanks for a wonderful comment!
    I like your blog and I'm your newest follower on GFC!