Tuesday, 20 December 2016

Last night

Last night I met up with my ex.

I hate calling him my ex. He's my best friend. He's so much more than just a person who was my boyfriend for three and a half years. Well, I don't know if I can count it as three and a half years. It was 8 months as acquaintances, 5 months of Facebook flirting, 11 months as part-time boyfriend, full-time best friend (lots of on/off and to-ing and fro-ing!), and then a wonderful two years and three months as a proper couple. It was amazing. He's been in my life since July 2012 when we were sixteen and he's been pretty much the best part of it. We've grown together from kids fresh out of GCSEs, through all of sixth form and A levels and first holidays and first loves, to university, and being real adults and long distance relationships and making it work and making laughs and loving each other all the while.

He's incredible and I can't quite believe he's not mine anymore. We'd slowly been falling out of love for a while and it came to a point this summer where we sat down and talked about it and decided to give it one last push. If we couldn't revive things - so to speak - then maybe it was best to not be together anymore. We really cared about each other and there's still a lot of love there but maybe it's not the right kind of love anymore. He came up from his uni to my uni one Friday night at the beginning of October to us to "talk" again. We both knew he'd come up so we could break up.

I suppose it was as mutual and calm as it can be when two people still love each other a lot and are crying on a bed because they know they can't make it work anymore. We helped each other work out how to change our relationship status on Facebook from "in a relationship" to "no relationship information to show" and then snuggled down to cuddle and cry overnight. The following afternoon, he left. We kissed goodbye and that was that.

He left me a bag of my favourite snacks and a letter in my bedroom, tucked behind an armchair, as a kind of apology. I read the letter once that evening and put it away where I haven't touched it since. I cried maybe one tear after that and got on with life. There was so much to be done because stuff never stops and I'm a person who likes to get shit done. Five days after the break up, I got with my housemate who I'd always got on really well with, and who was there for me throughout September when I needed someone to talk things over with about my relationship. Maybe I moved on too soon, but mine and my now-ex's relationship hadn't really had the right kind of love for months. We were best friends and got on really well and loved being in each other's company, but sometimes that isn't enough. My housemate and I moved really quickly and it didn't feel like a rebound because something had always been there deep down and it just felt right.

We didn't talk again until the middle of November when he messaged me to see when I'd be home for Christmas and if I wanted to meet up for a drink. We spoke for about 45 minutes on Facebook messenger, and it wasn't until about half an hour in when something in me cracked. I cried tears that wouldn't stop, that poured down my cheeks and left me gasping. I missed him. So much. I cried again the next night in bed but after that I was fine. I enjoyed the start of my new thing with my housemate, loved his company, had the best time.

I got back home for Christmas on Saturday and my ex messaged me to see if I was around on Tuesday night to meet up. I felt excited to see him. To see my best friend. Going from talking to someone every day, to not talking for over a month is difficult. Really fucking hard. So I was really looking forward to seeing him. He called me as I was walking there because he'd arrived early and wanted to know what to get me at the bar. I walked into the pub with tears in my eyes because I already knew at that point that he still holds a massive part of my heart. I spent the night fighting back tears as we caught up on each other's lives and as I told him I was seeing someone new and as he told me he was also involved with another girl. I smiled and said I was happy for him but my heart was breaking. He said it's very casual with them and that he hasn't fallen for her and doesn't know if he will, and I felt pleased. And I hated myself for it. Because I'm with my housemate and it might be a new kind of love forming, but it's nowhere close to what I felt for him. My ex.

If he and I didn't have the right kind of love anymore then why did I cry myself to sleep last night, cry so hard that my whole face swelled up? Why have I been fighting back tears literally the whole day at work today, on my run tonight, and have them cascading down my face as I write this? I know the answer. I have a literal aching in my chest and I didn't know it was possible to feel like this. I thought I was fine but seeing him has brought it all back. If this is heartbreak then it fucking sucks. It also sucks that it took over two months to kick in. I don't want this to be the end of us but I think we need time to grow some more separately before we can come together again. I hope we come together again. I hope it with all my heart because I need my best friend back. I love him.

I know this is really disjointed and I've bashed it out in literally 20 minutes with swollen eyes and a river coming down my cheeks. I feel awful. This is so shit.

Saturday, 23 April 2016

APRIL 2016

I had my first exam of the year today and I think it went okay! Not great, not the best ever, but sound, decent! I just realised I haven't posted since the last day of my 19th year. I'm now 20 which is super old and I still feel like I'm about fourteen. I've had a pretty good past couple of weeks, even though I was revising like mad this whole week. I didn't even leave the house except for a couple of runs (more about that later!) but it was okay because the module I was revising for was interesting. It's the roots and development of English, and all the history bits like the colonisation of America, but also things like how the speech of London is diverging in its own way from the rest of the country. It's great. I'm actually going to miss it!

I thought I'd upload a few photos from the recent weeks because I do love a good photo on a blog. I got lots of lovely birthday presents from my friends and parents, including a cute cushion, a really funky tealight holder, and some beautiful notebooks. There was also a selection of Lush bath bombs, a double-clip-together goose feather duvet from my boyf, some sweet little ornaments and lots of alcohol that didn't quite make it to the photos.

I bought some lovely Barry M polishes today because they've recently put out a huge new range of colours. I treated myself to Laguna which is the light blue shade in the photo, and Dark Side of the Shroom (that did make me laugh) which is a... shroomy colour! I've also posted a photo of my favourite ever lipstick which is Rimmel's Rossetto by Kate Moss. I actually found this one in March 2013 (so long ago!) but they renumbered it from 19 to 08 so I thought they'd stopped making it. I was looking for something similar when I used it all up, and I love the way Rimmel feels on my lips, which is how I stumbled across it again. I'm so happy! It's actually a lot less pinky than it looks in the photo - much more of a nude-ish shade in person.

I'm trying to get more healthy and lose a bit of weight because since starting to take the pill, I've put on a stone and a half - all within the space of two months! One year on, the weight is not shifting so I'm changing up my diet dramatically and getting out running. I used to race competitively for my borough and in the London Mini Marathon and stuff, so it sort of feels natural to be getting back into it. I'm really enjoying being more active! I'm also calorie counting because things were getting a bit out of control. I'm shopping a lot more carefully too. Who knew rice cakes were such good, low fat snacks?!

I've shared some photos from my birthday night out too. I had such a great time. Predrinks was so fun and, to be honest, I could have stayed in all night getting absolutely wrecked. But town called and I came running! The main perk of going out on your birthday in Chester is absolutely having free entry to all the bars and clubs. I spent literally £2 that whole night and it was on my chips for the way home. Amazing.

I've also really been embracing Chester's beauty recently, mainly with lots of walks around the historic walls, down the river, and through the outskirts in the countryside. It's so lovely. South London obviously has its benefits but there's just something about being five minutes' walk away from fields full of cows and horses. I love it.

The last photo is mainly just for me to ogle over while I'm on my diet-type-thing and eating healthier (or at least trying to!). My boyfriend is an amazing cook and just before we went back to uni, he whipped this up in literally five minutes. Egg and bacon is one of my favourite combinations anyway and teamed with a toasted hot cross bun, it's heaven. The raisins were actually a beaut little addition to an otherwise normal breakfast.

I feel like posts like these are so self-indulgent and I've just realised I started nearly every paragraph with "I". Shoutout to my two readers from the UK, love you lol. I'm so happy that nobody I know in real life knows about this blog. I feel like keeping it a lil secret for nearing on four years is quite an achievement! So many people I know are starting blogs or YouTube now and are asking people to go and check them out and I think it's pretty brave. Like, you're putting yourself out there in a way that you probably don't in real life. I know I don't. But I kind of like having this all to myself. To whoever happens to be reading this (unlikely to be anyone!), I hope you're well and happy!

I'll leave you with my absolute favourite brand new totally amazing band, HONNE:

Tuesday, 12 April 2016


It feels so strange to be sitting down to write a blog post again after nearly four months of silence here, especially as I used to post around 15 times a month. These last four months have gone by in a flash and nothing seems to be slowing down. I blink and the day's over. I blink twice and another week has whizzed past. I've been insanely busy for these first four months of 2016. I've handed in seven assignments for uni (only one left for this year!), had three presentations (which I absolutely loathed), and spent lots of time with my lovely friends, my even lovelier boyfriend, and my fabulous family.

I started this blog in 2012 when I was 16. Life was great - still is - but I think I felt like there was this kind of void to fill. Almost like the life I was living didn't match up to the life I wanted and pictured in my head. Don't get me wrong, I was really happy, but there was this part of me that sort of felt incomplete. Does this sound really lame? Maybe. Writing lots and posting fun photos and interacting with other bloggers filled that hole and everything was fantastic. But a time came a year or two ago when I found that not blogging for a week didn't feel that weird at all. Like, I didn't feel compelled to sit down and bash out 1000 words about how I was feeling anymore.

So I stopped. Things especially dwindled once I moved to uni. That was also the time my boyfriend and I got more serious, so I was focusing on him and all my new pals and staying in touch with my family and friends from back home that blogging took a back seat. And I didn't really miss it at all.

This blog has never been a fashion or beauty focused blog, but that's what most people are interested in reading so that's what I used to try and write about. But it's not really me. You know, I was reading back over some old blog posts here last week and the one I enjoyed the most was my summary of Summer 2014. That was such a good time and I'm so glad I sat down here and took the time to write about it. Likewise, I posted about my first two weeks at uni and I found them so fun to read back on. I love documenting my life because I love looking back on it and remembering the person I was. It's not that I would say I've particularly changed, but I like reading about what 16 year old me thought about everything.

So I suppose this is kind of a pledge to myself to start blogging again. Not for page views (which I used to be obsessed with) or comments or follows (likewise) but for me. This is my little spot on the internet (cheesy line, I know) and it houses so much of my thoughts and personality from the past almost 4 years that it would be such a waste, such a shame, to give it up now.

It's my 20th birthday tomorrow so I'm writing this now on my last day of being a teenager. My teens have been incredible so I'm hoping to do a little summary post (my favourites to read back!) later.

Over and out xo.